Groupings

Belonging. I don't know of one person who can deny the power of that word and the meaning behind it. Everyone wants to be a part of something.

I have dealt with rejection my whole life for one reason or another-from my beliefs, my weight, my temperament, my family, etc. It was fine because I still felt like I was part of something bigger.

You'd think it would get easier the older you get but it doesn't. It's still hard when you realize that you aren't a part of something that you thought you were.

I began an Ohio April Mommies group. Through that, I met two April mommies at the Toledo Zoo a few months back. It was a great experience and one that I'm proud of myself for doing. That same group decided to have a Toledo get-together. The main momma organizing it asked if I was going, multiple times, but because it was on a Sunday and never responded with a yes or a no. I didn't end up going this past Sunday and it ends up that this momma is extremely mad at me about "stringing her along."

A big part of me says, "Let it go, who cares?" The other part of me is saying, "There you go again. You aren't 'a part' of that group anymore. Nice job." It's something that has plagued my mind since I read it how upset she was with me. I quickly exited the group before I could read anything else. I sent her a personal message apologizing with no response. Is it silly that I feel sick about it? I don't know how to NOT be upset about it. I also know the feeling will fade and I'll move on but it's again, another group that I am not a part of--even though I started it.

I'm afraid to make new friends and put myself out there because of my experiences of getting close only to get hurt when the person walks away. It makes me want to walk away first or not give anyone the opportunity to walk away from me.

In Lord of the Rings, Sam says-

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.”

I have related to that quote for so long. How do you continue on when you know things are different, never to be the same again?

I try to embrace change and Madalynne has made that easier on me as my love for her grows with each change that she brings. My entire life has been rearranged because of her. I wish I could say all I need is her and my hubby, but it's not true. I need the Lord and I need more of a support system than my immediate family. And that, that is scary. It's scary because people walk away, I walk away, and I have to find the people that aren't willing to, no matter the trial or danger.

How do I end this blog? I'm not sure. Just like I am unsure of where my life is taking me. So I'll end it the way I feel.

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