What does that mean?
My hair is in place. My clothes are neat and modest. My smile is plastered on my face. My judgement on the lost sends them to hell. My life is put together and orderly.
Except none of those things are right.
I'm a mess, often on both the inside AND out. Have I had a perfect life? No. I have been blessed and I haven't had the worst life. But I'm wounded. I'm hurting. I don't COMPLETELY trust the One who formed me. I don't welcome people into my heart as easily as Jesus did. I think about how I can be hurt instead of being a light to the other lost and hurting.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering around in a desert, aimless, alone in a crowd of ghosts. Other times I want to escape to that desert so that I don't have to feel. But I do feel. I often have a heavy heart for what seems to be no reason at all.
But I know one of the reasons.... God has put a hole in my heart that He and He alone can fill. I will allow Him to fill it up part way then I unplug that hole and let His love, His light, His mercy drain with my pain. Why? I don't understand myself.
Romans 7:15--I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
Why do I turn away from Him? Why do I try to escape in the facade of perfection when the only thing perfect in me is Him?
I have noticed more than ever what people without Him try to do to fill their lives. I went to a convention this past weekend and it amazed me the passion people had for a product. I think that's great to have that passion but when they say they can change lives with a product that adds no real substance to my purpose on earth, that makes me eerie. I love this product. Am I more passionate about this product than I am about God and what He has done and will continue to do for me? I hope not. I really truly believe He is the only thing that can truly change a life for the absolute best.
But yet, here I am. I have Him and I'm not the best. I'm a mess. The only difference between me and "them" is that God holds me together. That's it. I don't know how people who choose not to walk with God make it through life, through the hard times... But that's it. He holds me together through all things.
Even when I'm walking away.
Even when I hurt more than I thought I ever could.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wandering around in a desert, aimless, alone in a crowd of ghosts. Other times I want to escape to that desert so that I don't have to feel. But I do feel. I often have a heavy heart for what seems to be no reason at all.
But I know one of the reasons.... God has put a hole in my heart that He and He alone can fill. I will allow Him to fill it up part way then I unplug that hole and let His love, His light, His mercy drain with my pain. Why? I don't understand myself.
Romans 7:15--I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
Why do I turn away from Him? Why do I try to escape in the facade of perfection when the only thing perfect in me is Him?
I have noticed more than ever what people without Him try to do to fill their lives. I went to a convention this past weekend and it amazed me the passion people had for a product. I think that's great to have that passion but when they say they can change lives with a product that adds no real substance to my purpose on earth, that makes me eerie. I love this product. Am I more passionate about this product than I am about God and what He has done and will continue to do for me? I hope not. I really truly believe He is the only thing that can truly change a life for the absolute best.
But yet, here I am. I have Him and I'm not the best. I'm a mess. The only difference between me and "them" is that God holds me together. That's it. I don't know how people who choose not to walk with God make it through life, through the hard times... But that's it. He holds me together through all things.
Even when I'm walking away.
Even when I hurt more than I thought I ever could.
Even when I continue to do what I hate.
He loves me, He holds me together, and He still has a purpose for me. I was created BY Him and FOR Him. How amazing.
He loves me, He holds me together, and He still has a purpose for me. I was created BY Him and FOR Him. How amazing.
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