Seeking...

I never know what to write when I am struggling with God.

I don't know how Job didn't sin in all his trials, surrounded by death and hardship. I am going through some rough things but not even CLOSE to what Job went through and here I am, sure that I am sinning by doubting God and wondering what the heck He is doing.

But then I think again... how do people who don't have a relationship with Him get through day to day life? The only thing that is keeping me going, the only thing that makes me not through up my white flag is my time spent with Him. He is the one I am questioning and He is the only one I can turn to to make it all better. The thing is, He may not make it all better... maybe not in the way that I think it should go (that's really hard for a choleric to accept!) but He loves me and that is one thing that I cannot ever question.

I was just going to write that I didn't understand some things but that I did understand that God has a plan but I'm not sure if I do understand it. I know He has a plan but I don't understand it. And that's just it, I don't have to understand! That's what faith is all about... not understanding, not seeing what is good, but still believing and knowing God's hand is in it and He will work things for the good of those who love Him.

And I do. I am having a hard time with Him right now but I love Him. I want my life to exemplify Him and His love. Because of that, I know that I will always be changing and evolving. I know I will be confused and hurt and frustrated a lot more but it's all a part of growing in my relationship and trust with Him.

By the way... I am completely convinced that worship does wonders. If I had not immersed myself in praise and worship music, I would be in a pit of depression right now. But worship smacks me with the truth of God right in the face, no matter where I am at. I am learning, slowly but surely, what it means to bless God's name in the desert place. Worship is a big part of that. Remaining to call to God even when I'm confused or hurt is a huge part. Not shutting other Christians out is another part.

I'm just going to continue learning what it means to trust Him and I'm going to continue to love Him because that is what He has done for me.

Job 8:5-6

But if you pray to God
and seek the favor of the Almighty,
and if you are pure and live with integrity,
he will surely rise up and restore your happy home.