Trust

"I trust You, Lord. I have faith that you will do what I want you to do."

That, for the longest time, has been my assurance. I knew that if I just put my faith in God then everything would go my way and that would prove why it's great to be a Christian. Well, today I learned differently (it has been a long process and will probably still be a work in progress). I felt that God even spoke to me right away.

I went to the airport today in Kiev. I found out yesterday in the afternoon that today was my best bet to get on a flight (I am flying on a buddy pass and don't have a guaranteed seat and the next week looks horrible for getting a seat. Today looked the best). So I started freaking out because I thought I still had another week here. I had things to do!! I wasn't ready emotionally or physically to go but I got ready, quickly. In the afternoon I wasn't ready at all to leave. By the night, I was ready.

I had written letters to some of the kids and Igor read/translated them to the kids. One of my letters was to Oleg. He is just a funny kid and I hadn't really been all that serious with him but my letter has some serious things in it and some funny things. I wasn't with Igor when he translated to Oleg, I had stayed outside while Igor went into the dorm to read it. About ten minutes later, Oleg came outside and in his own boy way, he was saying goodbye and spending time with me. He was pinching me and trying to take my watch, etc. which is what he had been doing the past few weeks. He asked me to come watch him dislocate his shoulders (I had a healthy dose of gagging) on a lift bar and then asked questions on how to say a few things in English. He asked the name for belly button and I told him and then I said, "Or poop!" (which is how you say it in Russian. Weird, I know). His eyes got wide and he said, "OH! Yes! Russian!" and gave me a high five. He was just as sweet as Oleg can be and I enjoyed every minute. It's amazing how differently people will say their goodbyes.

My hardest letter was Lena and I saved hers for last. I was with Lena when Igor translated for her last night and she just sat on my lap, hugging me tightly. After the letter, she grabbed my neck and pulled my face close and gave me butterfly kisses and we rubbed noses. She just kept smiling at me and holding me tight. I was then telling Igor about how I was told I needed to be careful or else I would want to bring all the kids home. I told Igor that wasn't true because I only wanted to bring 2 home and one was in my lap! Lena asked him what I said and he told her. She hugged me again and then put her cheek on my cheek and whispered in my ear in English, "I love you." Lena has a mother that she loves but cannot afford to take care of Lena and her 15 year old brother, Sergei. But in that moment, I got a glimpse of what it must be like to be a mother; to be so in love and not want anything but THIS. I never wanted to let go of Lena... but I knew I had to, at least physically.

This morning I left at 8 o'clock to get to the airport. The kids don't have breakfast until 8:30 so they aren't out at 8 o'clock. However, at 7:40 this morning I took Nika (the dog) out and there were Pavlina and Lena, waiting for me. They sat and talked with me until Jane came out. Pavlina was her regular joking self but then before she closed the door to the car made sure to ask me when I was coming back. Lena... my sweet Lena, pulled my face to hers and kissed me on the lips. That is not a natural thing for me to do. A kiss on the lips (from me) is reserved for those I love the most and God knows that. He wanted me to share that with Lena even though I'm afraid to open my heart completely to this sweet little girl because I know I probably won't see her again after I leave. Her mother should be ready to have Sergei and Lena back with her by the end of the summer. That kiss was something sweet and special I shared with her. Surprisingly, I didn't completely fall apart on the way to the airport (like I did in May!!).

So then, I make it to the airport, having no idea if I was really leaving or not but not wanting to pack everything, say my goodbyes and then turn around and come back. So I sat waiting to see if they would take me and saying to God, "It's okay God, I trust You to put me on this flight. I know you can do it. I also know it looks impossible to get on (since the flight had oversold by 29 people) but I've been reading about miracles and I know You can show Your power today. Show me a miracle so I can tell others how great You are. I trust You to put me on this plane."

I swear God said to me, almost audibly, "You trusting Me to put you on this plane is not trusting Me at all."

Ouch.

What God wanted me to see is that I didn't need to trust Him to make things my way but to trust Him that He has plans for me and sometimes (okay, a lot of times) they aren't what I plan for myself. I was ready to see my family, I was ready to shut off the emotions and forget about the summer so I didn't have to cry myself to sleep for weeks because I wanted to be with the kids. I was READY. "C'mon, Lord, put me on the dang plane."

God's answer?

"No."

Not a harsh no, just a no. And He was asking, "Are you still going to trust Me? Are you still going to love Me? Do you believe that I love you? Do you TRUST Me?"

After a few moments I decided... yes. It wasn't a "Sure Lord, I trust You even though I'm mad at you right now." It was a peaceful, "Okay Father. I will follow You. I will trust YOU, not just trust the plans I make for myself." That may mean missing my family even more. That may even mean that when I leave the next time, I might fall apart and cry myself to sleep when I get home. He may want to remind me everyday of this summer. But if that's what God wants, I trust Him. If He wants me to be heartbroken over the kids that I leave behind, He has a plan for that. I trust Him.

I came back to the Ark and actually started to feel very sick. I have spent the day inside with a stomach ache. Igor didn't know I was back since he is gone from like 1-9 on Saturdays at church. I was debating whether I should go down and see him or if I should just wait until tomorrow to surprise him. Since I still felt yucky, I stayed inside. I decided at about 9:10 to look out the window at the gate and told the Lord that if Igor was walking in right then that I would know that he was the reason I came back. I looked out to the gate (which no kids are usually around. They are 95% of the time at the other end of the property.) and Pavlina was walking in clear view in front of the gate. I have no idea what will come of that and whether the Lord brought me back for Pavlina or not but I have a few days to find out. And maybe I won't find out. I still trust Him.

A few minutes after that, Jane called me into the living room. She said that it was a good thing (I think God thing) that I was wasn't on the flight today. They had to make an emergency landing in Boston because JFK was closed because of storms for two hours. I would have missed my other connecting flights and would have had to stay in New York by myself. I trusted Him!

God is good, isn't He? But we can't really know that until we trust Him, not for what we think is best, but to just trust HIM.



P.S. The two new Hillsong songs that I love are on my playlist now!! Also a few other goodies.