The truth in my heart.

I'm not sure if I should even be writing this. It's long and I'm not sure what is important in it and what isn't but I just feel like I should be honest... that I shouldn't hide... that something needs to be said. So here we go.....

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I've wanted it since I was a little girl. I wasn't the little girl who dreamed of a grand, flower-infused, tear-filled wedding. I was the little girl who dreamed of the perfect life with a perfect boy (who by the way at the time was Ben Yarger. Oh, to be young again. Right! :)). I would dream of having my heart stolen and to have someone I could always have fun with, even when I was all growed up. That has transferred to my life now. I want to be loved like Jim loves Pam, like Noah loves Allie, like Mr. Darcy loves Elizabeth. Forget the wedding, give me the happily ever after.

The first boy I dated was when I was a freshman in high school. He was a jerk. I thought that if I just showed him that I cared then he might care too. It didn't work. A year and a half later I found my freedom again but also found my heart and mind scarred. My family helped me with the healing process and I spent the rest of my high school years as a happy single young lady who wanted to please the Lord and who wanted to invest everything into friendships. I encouraged other to remain single through their high school years (only two really saw the worth in it).

Fast forward to college. I was MISERABLE my freshman year. The two years I had spent pouring my life into friendships seemed to be in vain when I found I had to start all over with new people. I DIDN'T WANT TO! It was like I threw a temper-tantrum every day that year. I was lonely and depressed and only then did I discover that I depended on human relationships more than on God. What did I do with that information? I ran back to God-I wish! I ran further away from Him and into the arms of a smooth-talking 33 year old.

He cared about me. He held me. He didn't need anything but me. I did not tell anyone about this relationship for at least a month. It felt good in a very scary way that I could hide sin and everyone still thought I was perfect. My friendship problems were accompanied by family problems and I used that as justification in my mind for the secret relationship I was in.

Within two months, I had numbed myself so much that I gave this man the one thing I swore I would not give freely and not until marriage. He didn't truly have my heart but I wanted to remain numb so I gave him everything he wanted so that I could hide behind his pleasure. This became a routine and I stuffed the tears to the back of my eyes when I could feel again. I just wanted to be normal even though I know what I was doing was anything but normal.

I eventually had to tell my sister because, well, I don't really understand why. I'm sure most of you know the story from there. The night before Thanksgiving I broke it off with him. However, for one more night, I went back to him. I didn't really understand why until now which is actually the point of writing this. I'll get to that in a bit. Keep reading...

Even when I was in that relationship, a friend that I graduated with expressed his concern for me and started to call me regularly. On December 28th, 2005, he became my next relationship.

Chad had a few habits that I didn't appreciate. He was a drinker, a chewer and a cusser. In order to distract myself from looking at what was going on inside of me, I decide to make him my project. I had to fix those things fast in order for him to be a suitable boyfriend (yeah, my standards were really high as evidenced by my previous two relationships!). Little did I know I would fall in love with him...

Chad didn't like to show affection. I did. He didn't like to talk about emotions. I did. But I was able to mostly cover up my real emotions by anger and frustration towards him. I preferred that over really looking inward. I soon started seeing that it wasn't what I wanted so instead of breaking it off, I cheapened it even more. Chad and I began a soul-deadening cycle with each other and it was hard to find my way out.

When I went to Kiev in May, I found the piece of me that had been missing since high school. The presence of God. I tasted it and felt it again and I knew there was a reason I couldn't feel it at home. I almost immediately decided to end my relationship with Chad.

It was hard because I loved him but I knew I had to do it. I clapped the dust off my hands and decided to get back to work. I quickly found myself wanting to find temporary pleasure because getting too close to God made me have to look inside and that's when I realized how I threw my adult temper-tantrums.

I eventually stopped talking to Chad for awhile. Know what I realized? My distance from the Lord wasn't Chad's fault. Sure, he contributed, but I was the problem. With him not in my life, I was still making bad choices and not giving my heart over to the Lord.

Now that you have the history, let me bring you to the present. Chad is desperate to be with me. He says he's a changed man and that he realizes what he lost and wants me back. Sounds like other guys, right? Here's the thing... he's being genuine. He all of the sudden talks 90% of the time about emotions and constantly wants to tell me how he feel. There are three things that he has said that have brought a huge realization in me. They are... "I am going to pursue you. I want to woo you." "I want you and all of your problems." "I know what I am getting into and I want all of you." When he would say things like this, I didn't really understand why I would break down and start bawling. Almost every time he has said things like that, the tears start flowing and I didn't understand why but I know now.

I have always wanted to be loved for who I am. I tried the first part of my life to be perfect so that I could find someone who could love me. Here I am, 23 years old and couldn't be further from perfect. And Chad knows me. He knows me inside and out. He knows my brilliance and my stupidity. He knows my pretty days and my ugly days. He knows that I snap, that sometimes I am impossible to please and he knows I am a sinner. I'm not perfect and he wants to stay put. He loves me despite of my flaws. The majority of people would embrace that and find joy and comfort in it and I should... after all, it's what I have always wanted. However, I'm not in the majority. I'm petrified.

When I see that a human being can still love me after seeing all my imperfections, after me rejecting him, after me telling him I'm not in love right now makes me face the truth. And it's the truth that I am most afraid of. That Jesus could love me like that.

Jesus, who has been with me every step of the way. Jesus, who sees my every thought. Jesus, who knows the darkness in my heart. He knows me and isn't running. I have rejected Him yet He still wants to woo me. Just as Superchick says, "He is the God who has all things yet still He wants me." It was easy for me to deny that that was possible before no matter what people said. How could someone love me THAT much when they know EVERYTHING about me? Anyone who has really gotten to know me runs away so no doubt God had done the same. But Chad has made me face the truth that God hasn't run and that He still wants to love me. It's much easier to be a friend of God instead of a lover of God. I don't know why, but for me, it's just comfortable being His friend, not His lover. If I give my heart over to Him as a lover would then things change. A friend may be hurt by the things you do but normally they don't. A lover, however, is extremely hurt when you turn to other things rather than Him. But He couldn't really WANT to be my lover. Not after everything I have done...

It's all I have ever wanted. Now it's presented to me in two different ways but I am starting to feel that God might want to show me His tangible love through Chad. Now I'm afraid to accept it. I feel I don't deserve it but like Barlow Girl says, "I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have." I don't deserve it. Not from God. Not from Chad. But that doesn't change, cheapen or destroy that love.

And here I am. With a decision to make. Will I live my life being loved beyond anything and not accepting it or will I embrace the love with all my imperfections, face-off with my fear and start the greatest love story every imagined?

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I am still lost... still crying a lot... still confused. It's simple, right? Just accept it. But I can't, not right now. So if you could please pray for me I would really appreciate it. I don't know how to deal with this on my own.