This past week, we have had a consistent activity in the evenings as a family. Maddy has taken a special interest in tea parties. Chad and I both forget whatever we were doing, sit down on the floor and allow Maddy to serve us tea. She picks our cups (Chad gets offended that he always gets the smallest one), invites a few other "friends" to make sure each cup has an owner and goes around the circle to fill each one. She will watch us closely as we sip our tea, waiting for the right moment to fill it up again.
It's so simple. So little - but it's everything.
In those moments, we stop, join as a family, and allow Maddy to shine.
This evening, I made the mistake of naming a specific stuffed animal she should invite to the tea party. It took all three of us about a half hour to finally locate said stuffed animal because none other would do. She had them hidden in a lunchbox and the joy we all felt when we found them, I'm telling you, made my day.
It's something that is so difficult to explain to non-parents. The tears that are in my eyes thinking of how great of an adventure it was to spend that time together, searching for Maddy's beloved Doc McStuffins doll, can seem insane. The special hug my daughter shared with Doc when she was found made me feel all the nap frustration I had felt earlier melt away. All I can say is, it's worth it... it all is. The financial struggle, the tears and fears that come along with parenting, the worry that I am not good enough to be her mother, the sometimes strain on my marriage... the tea parties make it worth it.
After tonight's events, Chad invited Maddy to come watch TV in bed with him before he went to sleep. I sat on the couch listening to the TV play "Max and Ruby" and the two absolute loves of my life gently chatting with each other. Then the pang hit. Soon, we will be a family of four.
I remember the tears streaming down my face as I put Maddy's newborn clothes away. I can still feel the sorrow that sprang into my heart the night before Maddy turned two. I have tried my hardest to not hold on to the past but to really live in the moment and enjoy life as it is. I can't say any stage in Maddy's life has been my favorite other than now. And tomorrow I would say the same thing. And I have a good feeling that I will say the same thing 5 years from now. That's how I want my attitude to be.
But, goodness, I'm going to miss this. I'm trying not to mourn the fact that Maddy will no longer be an only child and to focus on the fact that she will be a big sister. I'm trying to remember that we will be in for a great adventure with two kids instead of thinking about how easy just having one is. I want to be excited about what is to be instead of what will cease to exist.
I know I will love my son but, as others have said so often, it's hard to imagine how I could love any other child as much as I love Maddy.
As I sit here, thinking of how magnificent it was to sit as a family tonight sipping fake tea with real smiles, I try to imagine the future where we will be sitting as a family of four, surrounded by stuffed animals, laughing, cherishing, loving each other with a cup in each of our hands. I believe that I will have long forgotten these scary feelings about the future in those moments.
Cheers to that.
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